Have you tried hot dog vindaloo? If not, don’t. Let me tell you the sad tale of Frank Selden.
An Otherwise Ordinary Day
Less than a week after taking out a second mortgage to purchase groceries at Costco, the hero of our story, Frank, and his beautiful bride Barbara, both returned home around 7 pm from their respective adult responsibilities. 15 year old twin boys, C and D, asked what would become of them since no adult would be around to create dinner for them. The adults informed C and D, who eat more meals in a day that hobbits, that 15 year old young adults should be able to fend for themselves. C and D reluctantly acquiesced.
Frank arrived home on schedule. He decided not to stop for a meal on his way home. Instead, he looked forward to creating deliciousness for himself with the plethora of items carefully selected during the Costco shopping trip. His faithful and loving dog, Loki, greeted him at the door. C and D seemed blissfully asleep. Our hero smiled, unaware that their happy faces belied their true condition of a food induced comma. He opened the fridge.
A Plague of Locusts
A plague of locusts of Biblical proportions sweeping through the house would not have left the fridge emptier than it looked at that moment. Frank blinked, not believing his eyes. A nearly empty fridge. A fridge so empty you could tell which shelves needed cleaning. The boys left a package of hot dogs at the back of the deli meat drawer and a container of Vindaloo sauce on the center shelf. Why leave the hot dogs? Either teenage boys have standards, of they just didn’t reach back far enough. Why leave the Vindaloo sauce? Because our hero had remarked, after putting away the spoils of his hunting and gathering trip to in the land of Costco, told them the would never forage for them again if they touched his Vindaloo.
The rest of the fridge looked as bare as Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboards, with the same result. Not even a bone for the dog. Loki also looked in the fridge, and whimpered.
The Creation of Hot Dog Vindaloo
Time paused, opening a portal into another dimension. Somewhere in space, stars collided, their explosion of light creating a new star sending pulsations of light to every corner of the universe. The light bulb in the fridge seemed three times brighter that day. An idea was born. What if Frank cut the hot dogs into bite-sized pieces, cooked them, and mixed them in the vindaloo sauce? Could this be a new break through flavor combination, like the first time someone tasted chocolate and peanut butter, or chocolate and almost anything? A break through in food science, like the first person to sample cinnamon and thyme. Like Martha Stewart creating oysters with a watermelon granita.
Frank worked with the precision and enthusiasm of a scientist on the brink of a discovery, slicing hot dogs into equal half-inch lengths. Loki gladly accepted the odd-sized end pieces, happy to be part of the experiment team. Vindaloo sauce simmered while Frank sauteed chunks of fresh hot dog. Or, more accurately, freshly cut hot dog. Freshness is not a quality associated with a food item containing enough preservatives to survive a nuclear apocalypse. The best of Indian food culture in one pan, the worst of American cuisine in another. Frank combined them into one bowl and sat down to become the first person in history to eat Hot Dog Vindaloo. A new paragraph in next year’s text books on natural science in the making!
A Star is NOT Born
Hot dog vindaloo is disgusting. Some people may be tempted to think “I could have told you that!” Yes, you could have, but how would you really know for sure? This is David Pritchard injecting hookworms under his skin. This is Dr. Jonas Salk vaccinating himself for polio, and Werner Forssmann inserting a ureteral catheter tube into his elbow, feeding it through a vein up to his heart. This is Nobel prize winning science!
Frank Selden, the first human to eat Hot Dog Vindaloo. Now we know. Now the world knows. Hot dog vindaloo is like tasting vomit in your mouth. Frank tossed the rest of the dish. “Waste of a good Vindaloo!” he muttered to himself. “What happened to the hot dogs?” whined Loki.
In the future, an aspiring chef might wonder, “Uncle Gyan, I want a signature dish for my new restaurant. Something different, maybe never done before. What do you think of Hot Dog Vindaloo?”
Uncle Gyan, a student of the natural sciences, will say, “Bahadur, let me tell you the story of Frank Selden.”