Lawyer jokes | Frank Selden Law

Lawyer jokes

The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny and non-lawyers don’t think they’re jokes. However, you are likely to find a laugh on this page. I did not make any of these up so if you use this material no need to quote me. Please contact me if you have a joke that you think should appear or if you believe anything on this page is copyrighted.

What's the definition of a will?... This is an easy one. In fact, It's a dead giveaway.

What is the proper weight for a lawyer? … About three pounds, not including the urn.

One of my favorite legal mottos: “Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price.”

The Lawyer’s Creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

There is never a deed so foul that something couldn’t be said for the guy; that’s why there are lawyers.

Lawyer: A common misspelling of liar. (

Lawyer: The only man in whom ignorance of the law is not punished. – Elbert Hubbard

Someone told me that God created snakes before lawyers because He needed the practice. I replied… “What makes you think God created lawyers?”

What’s the difference between God and a lawyer? . . . God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

During a 1989 case a lawyer asked to be excused from representing a client. His reason was that the client had decided to tell the truth and didn’t need representation.

An Irish attorney was making the best of a shaky case when the judge interrupted him on a point of law. “Surely your clients are aware of the doctrine de minimis non curat lex?” “I assure you, my lord,” came the suave reply, “that in the remote hamlet where my clients have their humble abode, it forms the sole topic of conversation.” – Walter Bryan, The Improbable Irish

A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 years old died and arrived at the pearly gates of heaven. The lawyer said to St. Peter, “I am surprised I died so young. I was very active and always ate well. And I’m only 50 years old!” St. Peter looked at his book and looked back down at the lawyer. “Fifty years old, you say? According to your billing records, you should be 83.”

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or finish your Sudoku puzzle?

What’s the difference between elected prosecutors and terrorists? . . . You can negotiate with terrorists.

The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and a dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it? . . . Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy, the answer is obvious.

An attorney telephoned a governor during the night, insisting so strongly on the urgency of his issue that the aide agreed to wake the governor. “What is it?!” grumbled the governor. “Judge Garber just died, “said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.” The governor replied, “It’s okay with me if its okay with the undertaker.”

What can a goose do that a duck can’t do that a lawyer won’t do? . . . Stick his bill up his a$$.

“Virtue in the middle,” said the Devil, as he sat down between two lawyers. – Danish proverb

What do you call 40 lawyers parachuting from a plane? . . . Skeet.

An airplane full of lawyers was hijacked. The terrorists threaten to release one of them every hour until their demands were met.

How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 70? . . . “Good morning, your honor.”

Two lawyers are in a bank when robbers burst in. Some robbers start taking money from the tellers and safe, others line up the customers and staff and start taking their wallets, purses, jewelry. While waiting for the robbers to reach them, one lawyer slips something into the other lawyer’s hand. Without looking down, the second asks, “What’s this?” The first whispers back, “The $50 I owe you.”

Why do we have laws prohibiting sex between lawyers and their clients? . . . To prevent them from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What do lawyers use for birth control? . . . Their personalities.

What happens if a lawyer uses Viagra? . . . He grows taller.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end to end on the equator… it would be a good idea to just leave them there.

A lawyer had a bit too much to drink and on his way home rear ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked up to the other driver, and said, “Boy are you in trouble! I’m a lawyer!” The driver looked nonplussed and replied, “No, you’re the one in trouble. I’m a judge.”

When asked “How much is two plus two?” . . . A child replies “Four” . . . A CPA logs into his computer and says “Let me run that through my spreadsheets” . . . A lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights, and asks in a hushed tone, “How much do you want it to be?”

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? . . . New Jersey had first choice!

Why do pharmaceutical company laboratories now use lawyers rather than lab rats for testing?

  • Lawyers breed faster, so there are more of them.

  • Lab personnel don’t get as emotionally attached to them.

  • Lawyers do things rats won’t.

  • There are no protection groups devoted to the rights of lawyers.

  • There is a downside, though – It’s harder to extrapolate results to the human population.

A lawyer’s job is to manipulate the skeletons in other people’s closets. – Sol Stein

What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? . . . A doberman!

There are three sorts of lawyers – able, unable, and lamentable. – Robert Surtees

What happens when a lawyer is made godfather? . . . He makes you an offer you can’t understand.

It is a horrible demoralizing thing to be a lawyer. You have to look for such low motives in everyone and everything. – Katherine Hinkson

One juror to another: “I guess you noticed that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth.”

What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances? . . . Retired.

A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept starting her sentences with “I think (it was raining),” or “I think (the light was green).” Opposing counsel objected. “We do not care what you think. What do you know?” The harried witness paused for a moment, then replied, “Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I’m not a lawyer I can’t talk without thinking.”

Lawyer: “Let me give you my honest opinion.” Client: “No, I’m paying you to give me your professional opinion!”

Two-thirds of the world’s lawyers are in the United States. Perhaps we could solve our trade deficit if we started exporting them.

What do you call an honest lawyer? . . . An oxymoron.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before he gets arrested, the person is called an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after he gets arrested, the person is called a criminal defense attorney.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a snake run down on the highway? . . . Skid marks in front of the snake.

What’s the difference between a cat and a lawyer? . . . One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you. The other is a household pet.

What do you have when you have ten lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? . . . Not enough sand!

“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to the octogenarian librarian. “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal defense attorneys.” “Well,” replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has ever been able to prove anything.”

A lawyer corrected his son… “No, Jimmy, I distinctly said that you can halve your allowance if you mow the lawn. That’s why we ask for things in writing.”

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. – Norm Crosby

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig. After a while you realize the pig enjoys it.

The Devil makes his Christmas pie of lawyer’s tongues. – English proverb.

What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean? . . . A good start

A man, visiting a friend, noticed the friend’s car covered with leaves, branches, grass, dirt, and blood. “What happened?!” The friend replied, “I ran into a lawyer.” “That explains the blood, but what about the leaves, grass, branches, and dirt?” “He escaped into the park while I was trying to run into him.”

How do you know when a lawyer is lying? . . . Her lips are moving.

What do you throw a drowning lawyer? . . . His partners.

What do lawyers do after they die? . . . They lie still.

A deceased’s lawyer, CPA, and banker attended his funeral. The banker said, “In my family, we give the dead some money in case he needs some to spend over there.” The other two agreed this would be fitting. The banker dropped a $100 bill in the coffin. The CPA did the same. The attorney wrote out a check for $300 and took out the other bills.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? . . . A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for years. A good lawyer, even longer.

What’s the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer? . . . You can make a pet out of the snake.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? . . . The leech will drop off after its victim dies.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? . . . Both have a big head that consists mainly of mouth.

A lawyer sat near the back at a funeral. Another mourner arrived late and asked the lawyer, “Where are they in the service?” The lawyer gestured to toward the minister and replied, “He’s just opening for the defense.”

Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep? . . . Because deep down, they are really good guys!

It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also, but I repeat myself. – Mark Twain

A crusty, old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak to him. “I’m sorry, he passed away” was the standard answer. Finally, the exasperated receptionist asked him why he kept calling. “I used to be one of his junior associates and I just like to hear you say it.”

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? . . .  It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being!

How do you tell the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? . . . One is a cold-blooded, bottom-dwelling, blood-sucking scavenger — the other is a fish!

If all the lawyers were hanged tomorrow, and their bones sold to a mah-jongg factory, we’d be freer and safer, and out taxes would be reduced by almost half. – H. L. Mencken

Why don’t lawyers go to the beach? . . . Cats keep trying to bury them.

What’s the definition of the term “flagrant waste”? . . . That’s a busload of lawyers going off the edge of a cliff with a vacant seat.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? . . . With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

A woman sat next to a lawyer at a bar and whispered “I’ll do anything you want for $50.” The lawyer got out $50 instantly and said “Paint my house.”

A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary using the name of the town’s oldest lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a correction. The next day the following notice appears… “We regret that the report of Attorney Critchley’s death was in error.”

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site? . . . Because the plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

A contingency fee is an arrangement in which if you lose, your lawyer gets nothing; and if you win, you get nothing. – George M. Palmer

What do you get when you run an “honest lawyer” contest? . . . No winners, but if a judge participates you might get an honorable mention.

What do you get if you lock a lawyer in your basement? . . . A whine cellar.

The first case of the day started with the two lawyers shouting at each other. “You’re an unmitigated liar!” said one. “You’re a low down cheat!” the other replied. The judge interrupted, “Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let’s proceed.”

Why is going to a bar association meeting like going to a bait shop? . . . The abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots, and nightcrawlers.

Why is it so common for attorneys to be lost in thought? . . . Unfamiliar territory.

Although not in the news story (here), I heard that Peter Horsford, accused of impersonating a lawyer, had trouble getting a trial date. The problem was every judge before whom he argued trials were disqualified from hearing his case. One of the judges remarked, “I should have suspected he wasn’t a lawyer. He was always so polite and punctual.”

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? . . . Cut the rope.

 The difficult task, after one learns how to think like a lawyer, is relearning how to write like a human being. – Floyd Abrams

Why don’t lawyers play golf? . . . Too much like work with all of the lying involved.

Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek? . . . Nobody will look for them.

What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? . . . The vulture doesn’t take its wingtips off at night.

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came across a pair of tracks. One lawyer said, “The tracks lead this direction.” The other argued the tracks led in the opposite direction. They each presented their best arguments as if in a high stakes trial. That’s when the train hit them.

A plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill that including an hourly rate of $500 per hour. The lawyer objected, “I don’t even make that kind of money – isn’t that steep?” The plumber replied, “That’s what I thought when I was a lawyer.”

I do not care to speak ill of any man behind his back, but I believe the gentleman to be an attorney. – Samuel Johnson

If you give a child an encyclopedia, why is “lawyer” the third thing they look up? . . . They look up dog, then snake, and under snake, the encyclopedia says “See Lawyer.”

A potential client asked an attorney at a cocktail party, “How much do you charge to answer 3 questions?” The Attorney curtly replied, “$300.” The client looks astounded. “Isn’t that a lot for three questions?” “Yes, but it stops people from pestering me. What’s your third question?”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? . . .  The lawyer charges more.

A paralegal, associate, and partner walked to lunch through a city park. They found an old lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted each of them one wish. The paralegal said, “I want to be in the Bahamas on a sailboat !” Poof, she was gone. The associate said, “I want to be in Hawaii on the beach with a Mai Tai and a hula dancer!” Poof, he was gone. The partner said, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Two lawyers chatted at the water cooler Monday morning. “I got a dog for my kids this weekend,” said one. The other replied, “Good trade.”

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